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Saturday, April 6, 2013

It keeps you up at night.

You resist sleep, because sleeping is forfeiting the day until tomorrow, effectively fastforwarding an already brief life via unconsciousness. It goes like this:

One day, you wake up, and you're thirty, and you don't really feel any more grown up than you did at twenty. Maybe in some ways you feel less grown up. But maybe that's because you were never as grown up as you thought you were. You were just precocious back then, and a little naive and idealistic. But the fact that you see that now means you really are grown up, at least compared to twenty.

Though you still like video games. The sames ones you played in your childhood and teens. And you enjoy discovering other games from the same era, because it makes you feel like a kid again, and all nostalgic. But you might have ruined a few childhood memories by rewatching films or shows that were once so good, but now are clearly lacking in one respect or another. So you try to forget the revisit, and reinstall the memory.

You don't have your whole life ahead of you anymore. You only have what's left. And you have less time to get where you're going, wherever that is.

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heidikins said...

This has been up in a browser for the last 9 hours. I'm not sure how to respond, but I at least wanted you to know that I hear you.


Nic said...

First: Yay new blog! It has been a while.

Second: Life marches forward. You can retreat into the past only in a nostalgic sense. As you mentioned, some things that once seemed incredible and joyful now have a patina of obsolescence to them. They aren't quite as shiny. This is because you look out into the world with more experienced eyes. The trick is to look around and find that old joy in new ways, and experience new things.

And as far as having what's left of your life, well... that could be years and years, or it could be minutes. I guess you just don't really know, so the ideal is to live them all as best as you can and absorb as much as possible. Never give up trying to recapture that child-like joy, because life can lose meaning in boredom and sameness. Most people do that through children of their own, but that's not the way for all of us. Some of us need a different route.

I look back at thirty and think of how naive I was. I look back at twenty and wonder how I ever managed to survive my own stupidity. In ten years, how will I look back at forty? I like to think I have it figured out now, but who am I kidding? I guess that's what makes it interesting.

Natalie said...

Just stopped by after several years of being away. I read the last several posts and now I must ask a question. Who is Mr. E? And what happened to Ian? I could read back and see if you mentioned it, but I am being lazy and want the quick version! I don't blog at dixonsturkey anymore, but I happened to be looking back at my old comments and saw one from you and was curious how you were. Congrats on becoming a lawyer! Good for you!

Nate Ring said...

Congrats on both gainful employment and passing the bar exam!

Sra said...

Hi Natalie! I know you stopped blogging at dixonsturkey, which made me very sad because yours was one of my favorites. Truly enjoyed it. I am lax at blogging here myself, but now that law school is done, I might get into it some more.
Mr. E and Ian are the same person. I use the E sound of his name because it makes sense to me. Thank you for the congrats!

Sra said...

Thank you, Nate!

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