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Monday, December 6, 2010

insomnia

I have pulled myself from my bed at 3:15:AM (having gone to bed only 45 minutes ago), because I can't sleep. It's the stress of my upcoming finals that plagues me when I try to bed down for the night. My heart beats wildly from my anxiety of impending failure. I think of all the ground I still have to cover for all 5 of my finals, and the fact that I only now have 1 week until I take my first tests. For some reason, I can't turn it off. So instead I exhaust myself into sleep by staying up later and later. 2:AM used to be the average, but it's been creeping up to 3:AM and beyond. 4:AM is not unheard of. Then, of course, I need to make up the lost hours during the daytime (I am not one of those people who can withdraw from sleep and not pay for it; I tend to get sick with enough sleep deprivation).  Oddly enough, I can sleep very well during the day. I think it's because I know that when I wake up it will still be the same day it was when I went to sleep, so in a way it will be like I haven't lost any time. I will still have the same number of days left until my exams. When I go to bed at night, my mind tries to hold onto the present day. I am not ready to take steps forward, because it feels like I am running beside the train tracks and the train is getting away from me. As much as I dread time moving forward, I also can't wait for these finals to be done so I can well and truly rest for a few weeks before waking up again into the same bad dream.


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