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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Spin cycle

During the day, I can't think straight. I read my assignments almost as if they are in some foreign language I don't understand. I try to follow the discussions in my classes with varying success. Sometimes I feel like I am completely too dumb to be in law school, and how the hell did I ever get here anyway? I think it is a time of day thing that causes this fogginess.

In the evening, I am beat, and can think even less clearly. All I want to do is take a 2-3 hour nap, but I must read for my classes. But I feel so put upon in having to do that that I break it up in chunks to try to swallow the bitter pill of death. It goes like this:

Read a few pages, take notes on those pages, rest my mind by reading fluff on the internet. Read a few more pages, take notes on pages, read more fluff. Wander into the living room to see what's netflixing. Grab snack. Read a few more pages. Attempt to curl healthy fingernail-clad fingers into fist to shake angrily at the world. Take notes on pages. Go tell Ian that I hate my life. It'll all be over soon. Not soon enough. Read more pages. Why the hell are there still 10 pages left in this assignment? I've been at it for hours! Read fluff on internet. Take notes. Curse my life. Make final push to finish pages. Finish notes. Turn to next 30 page reading assignment. Wash, rinse, repeat. Ian goes to bed around 10:30. I still have 20 pages. Come midnight, almost done. Midnight-thirty, go to bed, but not tired anymore. Instead anxious. How will I ever manage all this? How can I learn what I need to learn to not fail my exams? Haven't applied for any summer positions that might actually consider interviewing me. Feel paralyzed. Heart beats fast. What if no one will hire me, what if I can't get a job? Ever? Fear. Get out of bed. Read fluff on internet. 2:AM. Exhausted enough to probably fall asleep. Go to sleep.
8:00 first alarm. Hit snooze. 8:10 alarm. Snooze. 8:20. Snooze 3x's, but hop into shower. Hurry to get clean and get back into bed ASAP. 8:50 alarm. Snooze snooze snooze. 9:20, oh fuck me, snooze. 9:30, sonofabitch. Get out of bed, grab glasses, clothe self, wrestle with bipolar hair, curse bipolar hair, grab books and laptop, grab thermos, place one sugar cube and splash of milk in thermos, grab two tea packets. 10:00 out the door, ipod on. 10:10 arrive at bus stop. Wait for bus 5 minutes. Board bus. Be strangely ignored by people who should at least be on a polite nod and smile basis with me by now. 10 minutes arrive at school. Trudge to locker, deposit books. Trudge to hot water dispenser, make tea. Sit in atrium, try to find zen moment. Instead wrestle down anxiety. Go to class. Finish class. Read assignment during lunch, maybe visit with one or two friends as well. Go to class. Wait 30 minutes for bus. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Yeah, I hate my life. And I need to break this cycle before it breaks me.


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5 comments:

nova said...

Sounds stressful! Wow.

Sovknight said...

You are so lucky. Seriously. You have a direction, a goal, and are on the path to achievement. There are those of us that would kill to be in the position that you're in. As hard as it is, and as much as you might hate it now, the potential rewards far outweigh the little bit of pain needed to get there. I am envious.

I'm also envious of the fact that you get to sleep in so late, although I think it's odd that you set an alarm for 8 when you don't have to leave until 10. You do the same kind of thing I do though, and that's get up and get ready a little early so you can relax for a bit before leaving. I get up at 5:30, take a shower, then relax until about 5:55, then I eat breakfast and pack my lunch. Out the door at 6:25. Mornings suck.

Sra said...

The morning thing is all relative. When the semester started, I had been getting up everyday between 6:50 and 8:30 anyway, even on weekends. I set my alarm at 8 so I could read for an hour before going to school, but that has turned into a lovely snooze fest now that I've been staying up until 2:AM regularly. Do you stay up until 2:AM? If you do, I don't know how you manage your mornings.

I can appreciate your envy. Before coming to law school, I felt like this was a solid direction that would get me a secure career. Maybe it will, but there are also a lot of what ifs, and I don't think you can truly appreciate that without going through it. Law school is a very demoralizing experience, frankly. Lots of doubt, lots of questioning of your own aptitude. And even more frankly, lots of snobbery. Your worth is boiled down to a number, a rank, and if you don't make that cut, it doesn't matter what else you have going for you -- people don't want to talk to you.

Obviously I know there are much worse things in life that I could be going through and that are more worthy of complaint, but that doesn't make this plight feel any easier, and I wanted to express how shitty it really is sometimes. Oddly enough, I felt a lot better the day after posting this. Had a good day for once. Might be because I got back my first paper with a good grade on it. Might be because it was a Thursday and the sun was out. But I'll take it anyway.

Sra said...

The morning thing is all relative. When the semester started, I had been getting up everyday between 6:50 and 8:30 anyway, even on weekends. I set my alarm at 8 so I could read for an hour before going to school, but that has turned into a lovely snooze fest now that I've been staying up until 2:AM regularly. Do you stay up until 2:AM? If you do, I don't know how you manage your mornings.

I can appreciate your envy. Before coming to law school, I felt like this was a solid direction that would get me a secure career. Maybe it will, but there are also a lot of what ifs, and I don't think you can truly appreciate that without going through it. Law school is a very demoralizing experience, frankly. Lots of doubt, lots of questioning of your own aptitude. And even more frankly, lots of snobbery. Your worth is boiled down to a number, a rank, and if you don't make that cut, it doesn't matter what else you have going for you -- people don't want to talk to you.

Obviously I know there are much worse things in life that I could be going through and that are more worthy of complaint, but that doesn't make this plight feel any easier, and I wanted to express how shitty it really is sometimes. Oddly enough, I felt a lot better the day after posting this. Had a good day for once. Might be because I got back my first paper with a good grade on it. Might be because it was a Thursday and the sun was out. But I'll take it anyway.

nova said...

Sounds stressful! Wow.

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