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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Hochzeit

Last weekend, Mr. E and I flew to Utah for his brother's wedding. (If you're one of my friends or family from Utah and are wondering why I didn't visit you, it's because we were only in town for long enough to attend this wedding.) Being sort of part of the family, I helped set up the park where the wedding was taking place. At one point, while standing atop a ladder twisting drapey fabric around the pole of a gazebo in Utah August heat, I said to Mr. E's mother, "If you're wondering why I'm not getting married to your son, this is why." The whole idea of decorating with nauseating plastic flowers and coordinated colors in a girly theme kind of makes me want to vomit in a cup. A bride I am not.

I think it's fairly common for 11-14 year old girls to plan out the details of their future weddings. What the dress will be like, what the cake will be like, what the colors and flowers will be like, and maybe even what the groom will be like (although I'm pretty sure the groom is one of the less important details of a wedding; he just needs to be there, on time, in a tux). That was never me. I never planned my wedding. Part of it, perhaps, was that I have always been a practical person, and really, why plan something that is at least a decade away? But I guess girly girls like to dream, fantasize, romanticize. A girly girl I am not.

A few years ago, I posted here about why I never want to get married. I still feel the same way I felt when I wrote that post. Having said that, I now recognize that there are going to eventually be advantages to Mr. E and I entering into the legal contract known as marriage. For one, Mr. E will be able to get on my future health insurance once I am steadily and gainfully employed. And of course there are other legal benefits to marriage. It's a business arrangement, really. Nothing romantic about it. Which is just as well, because a romantic I certainly am not.

For some reason that I still don't understand, people outside my relationship (and who therefore really have no say in my relationship matters) sometimes feel this compulsion to get us hitched. Mr. E's mum said to me, "Well, all you really need is to go to a justice of the peace. When we come to visit you in a couple weeks, we'll just take you down to the courthouse and get it done." I almost vomited immediately at that. "No," I said, "That is too soon. We need a few years." And immediately exclamation points shot forth from her eyes, busting through visions of wedding bells and grandchildren dancing in her head.

At the reception, aunts, uncles, or other unfamiliar family members prodded Mr. E and I about having kids, "But of course, there's an order to these things, you know. Marriage, then kids." And Mr. E's mum looked on silently, expectantly. "I don't even want to have children," I broke it to them, and crests fell. "No, she doesn't," Mum said resignedly, "They'll have to adopt." As if adopting is any less having children than breeding the natural way.

Toward the end of the day, the bride called my name and said, "Catch!" I swiveled and a bouquet fell into my hands. I shook my head and immediately set it down on the table. She later slung her arm around my shoulder and said, "It's not a bad thing, you know, there are advantages to being married." All I could think about at that point was the fact that all the people I knew at the wedding who had been married, bride included, had also been divorced. "Oh, what advantages are those?" I said, but I don't remember the answer, because really it wasn't important to me to hear. "I can plan a good party really fast. 30 days," she finished. "I'll keep that in mind," I said, smiling politely.

When it does happen, because it probably will, it will be quiet, and private, and you won't know about it until it's already done. I'm sorry if that is so disappointing.


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6 comments:

twogirlsandaroad said...

I'm with you. I was engaged to Elle's dad for a short time and I really didn't want a wedding but my parents did...I handed it over to them. Now that I am not married (and never was, thank God!), I am going in front of a judge and having a huge ass barbecue in my backyard or something.

I hate being the center of attention. I commend you for sticking up for your own feelings without getting medieval on some people.

heidikins said...

The idea of a big, fluffy, flowery wedding makes me sick to my stomach.

If/when I decide to get married I will buy a new pair of fancy not-white shoes and then elope in said shoes.

That's it.

xox

B.R. said...

"When it does happen, because it probably will, it will be quiet, and private, and you won't know about it until it's already done."
My feelings on it, exactly. I've never associated social rituals with actual intimacy. Intimacy mostly resides in privacy and that's what's beautiful about it.

Zac said...

"As if adopting is any less having children than breeding the natural way."
much truth

Zac said...

"As if adopting is any less having children than breeding the natural way."
much truth

B.R. said...

"When it does happen, because it probably will, it will be quiet, and private, and you won't know about it until it's already done."
My feelings on it, exactly. I've never associated social rituals with actual intimacy. Intimacy mostly resides in privacy and that's what's beautiful about it.

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