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Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Jegging

Most of my pairs of good jeans are about 5 years old or older now, and it's about time for me to replace them. I have one pair that has naturally grown into the holey knee phase, which could be stylin', except that I so totally didn't buy them that way, so instead they just look ratty.  I remember I paid $60 for that pair of jeans in about 2002, which may seem a reasonable price these days, but back then, that was an exorbitant fee for blue denim. At least to me. Also, I didn't make enough money to be able to afford a $20 pair of jeans, let alone a $60 pair. But they made my ass look good, and we all know how important that is in a pair of jeans. So I put the $60 on my credit card (which I had to lie to get -- you needed to make at least $8,000 per year in order to have that card, but I made closer to $5,000, most of which went to my rent and other essentials, such as food). I then spent the better part of the next year and a half paying off those jeans. Most expensive pair of jeans ever, but here it is 2010, and my ass still looks pretty good in them, so in the end I suppose it's been worth it.

I would love to replace my beloved holey-knee hot-ass jeans (with a moderate flare leg to balance out my curvy hips) with a similarly fetching pair, but I am dismayed to see that the past 3 or so years have wreaked havoc all over jean fashion. The closest you get to a moderate flare leg these days is the lesser flared boot cut, and even then you will probably only find a single wash of boot cut jeans in any given store, so if you don't like 'em, tough titties. Instead, you find shelves upon shelves of this monster:

the Jegging



AKA, the Skinny Jean



AKA, the most heinous monstrosity I've ever seen



(Seriously, no shame)

You know why all those ladies are positioned as if they are about to take a standing pee in the woods? It's because if they don't stand legs spread-eagle like that, they will look something like this:



That's right, ice cream cone leg. Even the need-to-eat-a-damn-sandwich size 0 to 4 girls look all middle heavy if they keep their legs together in those things. (Won't somebody please think of the children?) But let's face it, most of us are not so in need of sandwiches, and therefore those jeggings look even more ridiculous on us.

Now, I don't want to offend any of you who are into the skinny jean fad. I'm sure you look fine, or at least I would tell you you look fine if you asked, because I'm nice like that. But most people really ought not to clad their asses in these things. On the whole, we just don't have the shape for it. I have known exactly two people that actually look good in jeggings. But those people are like clothes hangers: they look good in anything. Bitches. (No, seriously, though, they're great, I love them.)

So please, whoever is in charge of this fashion industry business, take a look around you at all the ice cream cone leg going on, and give me a nice selection of boot cut and flare leg jeans so I don't have to spend another 5 years waiting for the late 90's and early 2000's to come back into style. By then I think my $60 holey-knee hot-ass jeans will have disintegrated into holey-butt, not-so-hot-ass cut off shorts. A monster in its own right!



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6 comments:

B.R. said...

Incidentally, I was wearing my skinny jeans today. It's 91 degrees today here and that was not the right choice. Certain skinny jeans, the kind that's made with the right, soft kind of denim, could be a surprisingly good addition to one's wardrobe. I also think that the boot cut style of the late 90's early 2000's was not only flattering but it had good pant engineering all around. I don't get the fascination with the skinny jean. I mean, one pair is fine but only to mix one's collection up. My high-frequency pairs are either straight or boot up. Alas, they are costly but fours years after the fact and my Diesel pair is still brand-new looking.
Have you tried looking at Banana Republic? They had a denim line this year that I found quite flattering. It's the flare kind.
I hope you find a good pair soon. And, I hear through the fashion grape vine that the 90's fashion styles are making a comeback soon.

Sovknight said...

I'm glad I'm a dude. I bet the chicks in those pictures had to be dollied out to the set. I can't imagine how they could move in those pants.

nova said...

BLECH I'm with you a hundred percent. I seriously can't think of a single person who actually looks good in skinny jeans.

Myself, I'm thinking about going out and getting some of these:

https://www.pajamajeans.com/flare/next

one of the girls said...

I'm 5'2" and 107 pounds. Even I know I don't look good in skinny jeans. Maybe it's because I'm in my 30s and I just know things like that. Life experience...girls. Besides, I suffered through and made others suffer through the 80s stirrups fad. Dear World - I'm sorry - Love, Dena.

one of the girls said...

I'm 5'2" and 107 pounds. Even I know I don't look good in skinny jeans. Maybe it's because I'm in my 30s and I just know things like that. Life experience...girls. Besides, I suffered through and made others suffer through the 80s stirrups fad. Dear World - I'm sorry - Love, Dena.

nova said...

BLECH I'm with you a hundred percent. I seriously can't think of a single person who actually looks good in skinny jeans.

Myself, I'm thinking about going out and getting some of these:

https://www.pajamajeans.com/flare/next

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