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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Search This!

I used to keep a regular eye on my site meter traffic tracker, mainly to monitor the number of hits I've been getting and the avenues by which people come to my blog, but I haven't been keeping up with it recently. I checked in today and got a kick out of some of the searches that lead to blog hits:

(1) "What if a Mormon kisses someone and doesn't marry them?"

Well, of course they go straight to Outer Darkness! Ha! This search has got to come from an out-of-stater... let's see... yep, Vermont. It still baffles me that there are people out there who think Mormons still practice polygamy and have satanic horns, and stuff like that. I mean, Mormons are weird, don't get me wrong. They wear funny undergarments (I had to explain to E recently that "garment" is a word that means "article of clothing" and not "Mormon underwear", but around here, who knows the difference?), eat green Jell-O salads and funeral potatoes at every occasion that involves food, don't drink anything stronger than caffeine-free Diet Coke, and go to church for 3 hours each week instead of 1. Even Hinckley admitted they are a peculiar people. But to think that a Mormon kiss is the equivalent of a marriage proposal? Yeah, this enquirer has never met a Mormon in his life.

(2) "linguists against prescriptive grammar"

The Southern Oracle? You've come to the right place, my boy! Well, really I'd like to say that I'm a descriptive grammarian, but as you all know, I have my little grammatical pet peeves and am actually somewhat of a grammarnazi about certain prescriptive grammatical principles. Like, in my book, you have to say "could have gone," and never "could have went". (I'm looking at YOU, certain someone!) But if I were truly descriptive, I would allow either variety on the basis that both are used frequently.

(3) "how can reiterate be used in a sentence"

Are you with me yet that we should banish either iterate or reiterate from the English language? I'll go put my word banishing boots on and kick one of these bitches to the curb. But since I'm not yet sure which one to banish, for now, when in doubt use "repeat".

(4) "is Jodi Saeland pregnant again?"

(For you out-of-staters, this is one of our local weather people.) My answer: At least one of them always is.

(5) "orange armpit stains from deodorant"

Ah yes, the dreaded deodorant question. I actually have an update on the deodorant matter. Where we last left off, I had switched over to Tom's of Maine as my deodorant of choice during my search for the perfect deodorant. For the record, a perfect deodorant (a) does not stain clothes, (b) keeps you smelling fresh, (c) does not contain Alzheimer's-correlated aluminum. The standard deodorant choices for ladies are white sticks like Secret, but this option violates (a) and (c) [yes, even the "no-stain" white sticks do stain]. Some of the gel alternatives have a tendency to bleach brown shirts orange, though they don't otherwise cake up the fabric. Still, this staining is unacceptable.

I decided to go the natural route to get away from aluminum, and Tom's of Maine worked for me for a while without violating any of the criteria, although I was a tad bit spicy by the end of the day, and generally had to reapply to avoid being truly ripe by bedtime. But eventually, my stick of Tom's got some kind of fungal infection which left me smelling mildewy and wreaked a little havoc on my sensitive skin, thus violating (b) and necessitating my using some of my precious prescription-strength anti-fungal cream, which I prefer to save for special fungal infections. (Not that I really get a lot of fungus, but, I mean, come on, it's prescription strength!)

So after that I bought about a million different varieties of natural deodorant, and none of them came close to the quality of Tom's. Finally, I broke down and got Mitchum (thanks, Claire!), which only violates (c) and seems to be working great so far. I figure I can handle a little Alzheimer's in my wise years so long as I stay fresh and stain-free in my youth. I haven't worn one of my brown shirts yet, though... to be continued...

(6) "lucky charms meow mix"

I am relieved to know that at least one other person out there notices that the shapes of these food items are suspiciously similar.

(7) "don't you know what happens when you can't stop laughing movie"

"Stop that laughing! Don't you know what happens when you can't stop laughing? One of these days you're gonna die laughing." ~leader of the Weasels

Great line, but I prefer, "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way." ~Jessica Rabbit

The movie, of course, is Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and it's the first movie I remember seeing in a movie theater as a kid. I didn't get all the adult humor back then, though, so it takes on a whole new dimension in my adulthood. It's a classic movie.

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Claire said...

Mitchum - so effective, you could even star in "Night of the Hunter."

Oh, I'm sorry, that's ROBERT Mitchum.

I'm glad it's working out! I was sad because Tom's stopped working for me, too. My workouts are too hard on it, it seems. I went back to Mitchum and am happy as a clam, although I occasionally use Secret because some part of my reptile brain has a childhood association with it being "fancy."

Later, when the Meow Mix/Lucky Charms debacle is exposed to the public, you'll be receiving the Pulitzer, my friend.

Hope all is well in your world!

jess said...

ok, i love search terms blog posts. we have had some awesome ones.

my MIL gave me a stick of lady speed stick when we moved, b/c i couldn't find my deodorant anywhere. (i knew it was in some box somewhere) and it's awesome!

i apparently have the same prob with deodorant as you do. it's a major bummer.

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