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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Smack Your Cycling Bitch Up

We didn't exercise during the first session of my cycling class at the U last night. It's an exercise class, so I expected to exercise. But instead, we spent 50 minutes talking about things like:

(a) proper adjustment of your seat and handle bars for your body (which is important, yes, but should only take 5-10 minutes tops to cover)

(b) something totally embarrassing, but try not to laugh, although if you do laugh, I guess I won't fault you, but here goes: you are gonna get sore crotch from this class. but if you go down to the condom aisle in your grocery story, you will find the KY jelly, which is meant to be used in your crotchal region, and which is cheaper than buying the butt butter from a cycling store

(c) you need to eat, even if you are taking this class to lose weight, and let's raise our hands, how many of us are taking this class to lose weight? now don't be shy, come on, hands up! yeah, you can't expect to maintain the muscle in your body if you don't eat, and for god's sake, you MUST drink water. you should drink a full water bottle for each class, and eat 3 hours before class, and eat after class. but you must eat. don't go thinking you can starve yourself and survive in this class.

(d) the music in this class is not always -- how shall we say -- "Utah friendly". one time, you're gonna laugh at this story, it's really funny, I was playing a song that sounded to me like "snap your picture", but some girls from my class came up afterward to tell me that, no, the words were "smack your HMM up"! I had no idea! So if you have a problem with the music in class, then you need to tell me about it, because otherwise, I have a license to drive and I'm gonna use it!
(e) this class is a cycling class, not a spinning class, so if you are expecting spinning, you might end up learning some techniques about cycling that you weren't expecting to learn, but you will get a workout, for sure (except during the first session, where your only workout will be attempting to ESP some laser beams out your eyes and into the head of your annoying instructor)
(e) and various other mind-numbing wastes of time that made me want to smack this bitch upside the head.

Thankfully, this woman is not my regular instructor, but is just covering for the regular guy this week. (Which makes you wonder why she felt she should talk so much.) And that's good, because I'm not sure if I can handle much more of her condescending, self-important blathering.


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8 comments:

sovknight said...

"Smack my Bitch Up" is a good song. I'm not really a Prodigy fan per se, but that song just has a good feel to it.

B.R. said...

They edited "Smack my Bitch Up"? But then I'm not too surprised. Once, back in '04, I noticed that they altered Pink's line 'kiss my ass' to say 'kiss my face' on the UT radio.... Because micromanagement is oh-so-healthy, of course. You're a better person than me for sticking it out. Moments like that I understand why some resort to bitch-slapping. Not that I'd condone that behavior, of course.
And, good shopping tips, btw. :)

tauns said...

I would have NEVER thought of using KY for that reason...interesting and GOOD to know!

Sra said...

I should mention, lest anyone think these are my words, that I'm paraphrasing what the cycling instructor actually said in class. Some of these things are pretty verbatim, so you can see why I might be annoyed!

I'm not sure if there is an edited version of Smack my Bitch Up, or if my instructor just misheard it, but I wouldn't be surprised either way. That actually reminds me of another topic I meant to write about here.

I just think it's funny that the instructor felt she had to specify the "condom aisle". Couldn't she just say, "go get some KY Jelly from the store"? I think she wanted to make it embarrassing.

Scottrbarnes said...

I'm pretty sure I know the instructor about whom you're writing. I used to teach the cycling class that you're taking (it's tues thursday evenings at the U, right?). She got on my nerves the first couple times I met her too... she's very... enthusiastic about things, which cuts both ways. I eventually found her to be a great instructor. It just took some getting used to.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy the indoor cycling.

Sra said...

Yes, that's the class. I'm sure she's a nice person and all, and since we actually did work out on my second day of class, I can see that she knows what she's talking about, but I still find a basic personality clash with her, and I'm relieved that she's not my regular instructor.

Sra said...

Yes, that's the class. I'm sure she's a nice person and all, and since we actually did work out on my second day of class, I can see that she knows what she's talking about, but I still find a basic personality clash with her, and I'm relieved that she's not my regular instructor.

tauns said...

I would have NEVER thought of using KY for that reason...interesting and GOOD to know!

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