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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dear Paradise Bakery,

Congratulations! You found a way to make the meat of the most flavorful animal -- the pig -- taste completely and utterly bland. Now I see why you like to smear your ham and Swiss sandwiches with lots of brown mustard; the better to mask the flavor of your bland ham.

I mean seriously, for the price I paid for your blandwich, I could have gone to the deli, bought half a pound of Blackforest Ham and well-aged Swiss, and made my own ham and Swiss sandwich, except mine would have tasted like orgasm on bread.

And let me assure you that that's what I intend to do from now on. But since you are in the sandwich business, I will leave you with a little advice: get your act together, and stop cutting costs by cutting quality. Instead, maybe cut a couple of your deadbeat teenage employees.

A sandwich is a holy thing that is best not abused with your cheap, nasty ham and overzealous spreading of brown mustard (hint: it only takes a little dab of the mustard blended out with mayo in order to spice the sandwich. Any more than a half teaspoon, and you might as well forgo the bread and sandwich toppings and just treat yourself to a spoonful of mustard, because that's all you'd be tasting anyway.)


Sandwich-Enthusiast Sra

P.S. I still like your carrot cake.

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heidikins said...

Hear Hear! Full agreement on the bland meat and too much sauce. I guess they have to finance those "free" cookies somehow, right?


Loralee Choate said...

The older I get, I have come to a startling realization: I prefer my sandwiches mainly dry. (Maybe a touch of mayo and I do cop to loving a good mustard, though.)

A good carrot cake is worth its weight in gold.

Ben Sloan said...

Hahaha..."blandwich." I'm nominating that for word of the year.

Too humorous.

Zac said...

If it's good mustard, I'd like more, thanks. Usually it isn't.

La Barceloneta said...

We have a bakery "shoppe" here in Ohio that's the same way...big sandwiches that are full of pretentiousness and low on flavor. Great desserts though...that's how they hook you and compensate for their over-condimented sandwich crimes.

As that weird Louis the Lifeguard guy from the early 80's said,"Don't drown your food!"

Sra said...

Over-condimented sandwich crimes is about the best phrase I've ever heard! Perfect for this desecration of my favorite food innovation ever, the beloved sandwich.

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