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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dear Crazy Bicyclist with a Death Wish,

Thanks a lot for pulling out in front of my car today when I was just about to make a right turn on a green light. Yes, that's right, green light, thus I had the right of way and it wouldn't have been my fault if you had ended up under the tires of my car. In fact if Ian hadn't been in the car with me to point out the fact that you had popped up out of nowhere, under my car is very well where you probably would be right now. And I would be on the side of the road, sobbingly trying to explain to a police officer just how you ended up under the wheel of my car. And I'd have had to live with the knowledge that I killed somebody, even if it wouldn't have been my fault. Frankly, I'm glad I don't have to live with that, and you should thank your lucky stars that you don't have to live with... er, die with that either.


Sure, you had your little spandex biking outfit on, and your biking helmet. But let me tell you something: Your helmet is not going to save your life if I run you over with my car, and your little biking outfit obviously does not make you a smart biker. You might as well have been Bill Gates in a Superman costume.

Here's the thing: even if you did have the right of way, as a biker it is still up to you to look out for your own well-being. Drivers aren't looking out for you, trust me. If you can tell that a driver doesn't see you, then you better fucking yield, unless you really do have a death wish. And if that's the case, you might as well go jump off a cliff or something so you don't have to involve somebody else's conscience in your fate.

And before you go accusing me of being a cyclist-hater, let me just say that I am the proud owner of a brand new Specialized City7 24-speed hybrid commuter bike, complete with generator-powered headlights and taillights, a luggage rack, and even a little bell. And I rode it to work both days this week. And guess what? When I wasn't sure if a car could see me or not, I fucking yielded, because I value my life even more than I value my hot titties new bicycle.

My Hot Titties New Bicycle

So, please, look out for yourself, alright? Because even though I am sympathetic to the needs of bicyclists, I too am a driver of an evil automobile, and as a driver, I am not guaranteed to see you or your spandex shorts when you fly out in front of me. Bill Gates in a Superman costume? That I might see. But whether you or Bill Gates, neither of you is impervious to being sucked under my wheels. Not even if you are dressed like Superman.


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14 comments:

Sov said...

This is a really good post. I'm sorry it had to be an emotional one, but it was very good. You so could have creamed that guy too. I like the picture; did you draw that? I'm glad you didn't kill anyone. Killing is a hard thing for most people to do, especially if it's not intentional.

I like your new bike. How is it? You've been riding to work, right? Do you like it better than the last bike?

Sra said...

Thank you! I tried to put a little more effort into this one. Hence the diagram. Yes, I did draw that using the Photoshop you gave me. Took me some time too, as I'm not very skilled. I'm glad the diagram doesn't included splattered biker guts under my tires.

I like my bike lots. It's SOOO much easier to get up the hill on this one, and the ride is very smooth and comfortable. The front derailleur is maladjusted, though, and I can't shift to the highest gear, which would make hill climbing even easier. So I have to take it back to the bike shop and have them adjust it for me, cause I tried to search for how to do it online, and apparently it involves both screws and cable tension. I think I could handle the screws but I don't know what to do about the cables. But I'll have it fixed this weekend then we can ride.

natabird said...

The other thing that gets me is pedestrians who walk out in front of speeding cars. Sure, they say that pedestrians always have the right of way, but come on... Show some evidence of a logical thought process.

I fully support biking and walking. I do a fair amount of it myself. But I am aware that a car is much bigger and stronger than my bike or my body. Maybe these people do have a death wish.

Sra said...

I know, pedestrians seem to be dumber even than cyclists! Actually, I think our policy toward pedestrians ought to be changed. I think pedestrians ought to be legally responsible for their own safety. Sure there will be instances where the motorist in an accident is at fault, but there will also be instances where the pedestrian is at fault -- like when they jump out in front of your car and you have to slam on the brakes. That's just plain stupid, and I think a little natural selection ought to take care of that kind of behavior. Likewise, I'm all for jay-walking, I just don't want to have to step on my brake for a jay walker. Go ahead and cross the street wherever you want, but make sure you do it when you aren't getting in a motorist's way. And if that means you have to run, then run! But the bottom line is pedestrians ought to be responsible for their own well-being.

Sov said...

I almost ran over a guy waving the faggy orange flag once. He assumed that just because he was carrying the flag that he had the right to just saunter out into a traffic-filled street and people would just stop. Not I.

ak said...

Good post SRA - I'm a ride leader for a local cycling group and if bikes are going to get respect on the road as legal vehicles, they need to respect the laws of the road just like cars. And you are absolutely right - cyclists need to pay attention, even when they have the right-of-way because in an accident, the bike never wins.

Sarah said...

AK: ride leader is code for giant bike nerd.

The Over-Thinker said...

That diagram is awesome. Seriously. Mine would've looked all muddled and stuff. But you can be damn-skippy that the label "asshole on a bike" would've been abundantly clear.

And your new bike is so cool. In middle-school, I would've referred to it as a tits-rig. As a 30-year-old, I would call it a tits-rig. I'm fancy.

Sra said...

Thanks s'much for the props on my diagram. I tried hard, so that means a lot. I think tits-rag is a pretty good description for the bicycle. How about tits-rad? To me, it's a play on words, because it's rad like radical, but it's also the german word rad, which means wheel and which can be short for bicycle.

It's tit-rad, man.

I think cycling nerds are pretty swell, ak, so don't let Miss Sarah get you down with her flames. I should one day like to join a cycling group.

feed the world with PEZ said...

Since I actually saw the bicyclist I suppose I should point out the fact that the guy was stopped in the middle of the intersection and waiting to turn left like he was supposed to. Then for some dumb-assed reason without any indication he decided to go ahead and left turn in front of you. He looked like a very seasoned rider as well so he must have been thinking about something else, most likely how much David Archuleta looks like a troll doll.

feed the world with PEZ said...

Since I actually saw the bicyclist I suppose I should point out the fact that the guy was stopped in the middle of the intersection and waiting to turn left like he was supposed to. Then for some dumb-assed reason without any indication he decided to go ahead and left turn in front of you. He looked like a very seasoned rider as well so he must have been thinking about something else, most likely how much David Archuleta looks like a troll doll.

Sra said...

Thanks s'much for the props on my diagram. I tried hard, so that means a lot. I think tits-rag is a pretty good description for the bicycle. How about tits-rad? To me, it's a play on words, because it's rad like radical, but it's also the german word rad, which means wheel and which can be short for bicycle.

It's tit-rad, man.

I think cycling nerds are pretty swell, ak, so don't let Miss Sarah get you down with her flames. I should one day like to join a cycling group.

Sov said...

I almost ran over a guy waving the faggy orange flag once. He assumed that just because he was carrying the flag that he had the right to just saunter out into a traffic-filled street and people would just stop. Not I.

Sra said...

I know, pedestrians seem to be dumber even than cyclists! Actually, I think our policy toward pedestrians ought to be changed. I think pedestrians ought to be legally responsible for their own safety. Sure there will be instances where the motorist in an accident is at fault, but there will also be instances where the pedestrian is at fault -- like when they jump out in front of your car and you have to slam on the brakes. That's just plain stupid, and I think a little natural selection ought to take care of that kind of behavior. Likewise, I'm all for jay-walking, I just don't want to have to step on my brake for a jay walker. Go ahead and cross the street wherever you want, but make sure you do it when you aren't getting in a motorist's way. And if that means you have to run, then run! But the bottom line is pedestrians ought to be responsible for their own well-being.

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