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Monday, April 21, 2008

Worst Feelings in the World

Feelings are an interesting phenomenon. Some of them are a nice little reward, like love, elation, orgasm, laughter, the "running high", or "food euphoria". Other feelings are a wretched experience. This is a list of those feelings that I deem to be the Worst Feelings in the World.


1) Funny Bone

There's nothing funny about the sensation you get when this elbow nerve is stimulated. To me, the funny bone is compelling evidence against intelligent design, because there's nothing intelligent about putting so sensitive a nerve in a place that is prone to being knocked by airplane carts coming down the aisle. Unless, of course, you subscribe to the theory that we are god's little science experiment, and he has a nasty sense of humor.

2) Tummy Sticks

Ian and I got this term from the movie Wedding Crashers. We aren't quite sure what it's supposed to mean in the context of the movie, but we've adopted it as our euphemism for ... well ... the feelings associated with diarrhea. See why we needed a euphemism? Cause that other word is nasty! And so is this subject. So we'll move on--

3) Free Fall

Some people would probably argue that this is one of the most exhilarating feelings you could possibly experience. Those people are adrenaline junkies, and they can't be trusted. Free Fall is associated with butterflies in the stomach -- a nasty sensation in and of itself. Infatuation junkies will object that the feeling of butterflies in the stomach is the impetus behind their obsession with love, but they are as fickle as infatuation is fleeting, and are likewise not to be trusted.

The sensation of Free Fall is something you can experience in dreams when you find yourself somehow hurtling over the edge of a cliff. It's sheer terror. I imagine falling from a great height would be a horrifying way to go.

4) Getting in Trouble

If at any time in your life you could have been described as a "goody-two-shoes", then you are probably familiar with this awful feeling. It's the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you've done something wrong (or even when you haven't but are being called out for something anyway). It's that fear of authority that some people become instilled with in their youth.

You know this feeling if you are the type who usually does no wrong. In Grade School, getting your name written up on the board was a foreign experience that only happened to the class clowns and average kids in the class. You didn't get pink slips or invitations to visit the Principal's office. You never got detention or a grade lower than a B. You respected and even liked your teachers. Your classmates called you "teacher's pet" behind your back, and sometimes even in front of your face. So when you were scolded for doing something wrong, you experienced this feeling.

As an adult, it's the feeling many people get when they are pulled over by cops, (that is, until you adopt the general disdain for cops that most people achieve at some point). It's basically the feeling of having your tail between your legs. Sadness, humiliation, and shame all rolled up into one gut feeling.

5) Wet Underwear and Socks

I don't particularly like being wet, which is one of the reasons I only shower every other day and don't own a swimming suit (the other reasons are that second day hair looks better than first day hair, and swimming suits look better on the ridiculously thin). But the worst kind of wet is the kind where only part of you is wet, and the disparity in wet versus dry causes you terrible discomfort. Maybe you stepped in a puddle and got your socks all wet, or maybe you sat in somebody's spilled coke. Maybe you forgot to put your clothes in the dryer the night before and are forced to wear wet panties beneath your jeans. No matter what caused your under things to become wet, you will never be able to concentrate on anything until they are dry.

6) Broken Heart

Ah, the quintessential feeling of lost love. I think the crux of this feeling is the hurt of rejection. Even if you know you and your ex weren't good together, there's still a feeling of hurt and rejection when you learn that they prefer the company of others to your exclusive company... oh, sorry, that was a Nada Surf song popping into my head. But really, it's the hurt that comes from knowing you weren't good enough in someone else's eyes. Why not? What's wrong with me? you might ask. And the answer is probably nothing. No guarantees, because you know, maybe you were needy, or an emotional vampire, or abusive, or a promiscuous gutter slut. Then, yes, there is something wrong with you. But often no one is at fault for a relationship breaking up. Sometimes two good people just aren't good for each other. But a broken heart still feels like the end of the world.

7) Right Before You Vomit

Ugh, I HATE vomiting. I hate it so much that I will generally do anything I can to avoid it. I will suffer the nausea just so I don't have to endure the sensation of my insides trying to turn into my outsides. But sometimes there is nothing you can do to tamp it down, so your throat begins to constrict and your mouth begins to water and you know you don't have long before the retching ensues... wretched indeed.

8) Urinary Tract Infection

I've experienced two of these in my life, but you only need to feel it once to know that this is one of the worst and most recognizable feelings in the world. You feel like you have to pee all the time, even when you don't. And then there's the burning and pain when you actually do have to pee. And all the blood in the urine. And the general feeling of fever and discomfort. It's nigh impossible to ignore.



What are some of your Worst Feelings in the World?


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15 comments:

Melliferous Pants said...

I think broken heart deserves to be number one. Or urinary tract infection.

Sra said...

Aw yes, I should mention -- and this is always true of all of my lists -- the numbering doesn't mean anything. The order is arbitrary. In fact, I ought to stop using numbers as bullets.

But out of all these, broken heart probably would be the worst. It sure last the longest anyway.

Loralee Choate said...

I HATE being in trouble. I was no goody two shoes, though.

Try THAT combination. The chick who gets in trouble a lot (Not intentionally) AND about passes out from the stress of it all.

GAH! (It's up there with the fact that I am a totally laxidazial and cluttered person that sucks at consistent house work but that mentally loves a clear, crisp environment. The result is that I am constantly in conflict with myself. Some slobs don't give a rats, but I DO AND IT SUCKS.)

Sov said...

For guys, there's a terrible, terrible pain associated with a blow to the nether regions. If you rack yourself, it doesn't hurt so much where the initial point of impact is. That's a misconception. No, it starts as kind of an ache... almost a lump of pain, but it quickly moves up into your lower abdomen as an extremely nauseous feeling. When it gets to the pre-almost-vomit stage, THEN the sharp pain associated with the impact point kicks in and the whole thing becomes a symphony of tortuous agony. It lasts a couple of minutes, then you calm down and realize a cold sweat has broken on your forehead. You promise never to let that happen again.

I'm sure that was TMI, but the title is "Worst Feelings in the World." It qualifies.

The worst pain though? Broken heart. BY FAR.

Sov said...

Oh, I forgot to mention having both Mono and advanced Pneumonia, a temperature of 103 for six days straight, culminating in a temperature of 107 on the hottest day of the year in a SHITHOLE of a town called Stockton California during the summer of record-breaking heat and almost dying because the hospital's air conditioning went out and they literally strip you and pack you in ice and cover you with tubes and sensors and IVs and force-feed you cold water for TWELVE FUCKING HOURS straight while you lie on a METAL GURNEY because there aren't any beds with a cheap fan from Home Depot blowing on you and the roommate you're forced to share DEFINITELY also qualifies as one of the Worst Feelings in the World.

Not that I'm bitter.

:)

Adam said...

Have to agree with sov on this one. There isn't much worse than that. I have to say, sometimes it's not the direct hit that hurts the most, although it does hurt, terribly. An inadvertent blow can sometimes resonate so much more. It's on those occasions that I wish I was a eunuch.

"Tummy Sticks", at least in the sense of the movie, is when two gentleman, put their, ahem, "sticks" on each other's "tummys". Not that I have first hand knowledge or anything, I just read the context of the situation.

Vomiting is the BEST! I always feel better afterwards. Sure, the process is gruesome and unenjoyable. But the end result is you feeling better.

Sometimes.

Sra said...

To Sov & Adam re Testie-kicks: I love being a girl!

To Sov re hospital: I didn't know it was THAT bad! You have every right to be bitter.

To Adam re tummy sticks: Now that I know, I'm not sure I'm ok with that term anymore... :(

Miranda said...

I have to agree that the vomit feeling is near the top, but I think the worst possible feeling is the one you get right before you have to stand up in front of a bunch of people . For some reason the thought of having to string together words that form a sentence that could potentially be recognized as a human language is far too daunting a task when standing in front of people. Then on top of that the sentences have to, like, make sense. Even if I have a speech planned out and memorized, for some reason the second I hear my own voice over a microphone, I forget even my own name, begin to see spots, and feel as though I may begin to urinate uncontrollably. I always manage to make it through those moments without dying, but for some reason it doesn't ever get easier.

heidikins said...

Ditto on the vomiting and the free fall. Hate! But I think the worst feeling in the world is the moment when you lose trust for someone whom you trusted implicitly... the feelings of betrayal and hurt and fear all at the same time is like mixing bleach and gasoline and then drinking it while standing on your head. Makes me all shivery just thinking about it.

xox

Sra said...

To Miranda: Yes, public speaking is awful! Makes sense that more people report fearing public speaking than death. There was one time that I was ok public speaking, and that's when I was presenting a paper at the U's annual Linguistics Conference. I had worked countless hours on that project and knew it backwards and forwards, and that's the only thing that made me feel confident. Every other experience public speaking has been horrible. And when it has to be in another language, it's even worse. Maybe that's why speaking German is much harder for me that reading, writing, and understanding.

To heidikins: That's a good one. I can relate, but not on exactly the same level as you. Still, it's difficult when someone you trusted and respected suddenly reveals that that trust and respect are and always were unwarranted.

natabird said...

What about running into the ex who betrayed your trust and broke your heart before you are really over it? For me, that qualifies as one of the worst feelings in the world. No to mention you probably just finished the most horrifying public speaking experience of your life where you totally forgot what you were going to say and started crying right in front of the group to whom you were supposed to be speaking because you were so mortified that you just stood there in silence. So when you do actually run into your ex who is with his new girlfriend (the one he left you for), you look like crap because your eyes are puffy and your face is red and your gut is hanging over your pants because you've spent the last hour stuffing your face with chicken ticka masala at Bombay House attempting to console yourself for the public speaking mishap.

Sra said...

Wow, it sounds like you speak from experience.

I think the way to know you are finally over someone is that you can run into them in public and not get that wrenching feeling in your gut. Hard to get to that place. I guess maybe you could be over someone but not over the betrayal/rejection and still get that feeling.

So usually, yes, it does suck to run into the exes.

natabird said...

What about running into the ex who betrayed your trust and broke your heart before you are really over it? For me, that qualifies as one of the worst feelings in the world. No to mention you probably just finished the most horrifying public speaking experience of your life where you totally forgot what you were going to say and started crying right in front of the group to whom you were supposed to be speaking because you were so mortified that you just stood there in silence. So when you do actually run into your ex who is with his new girlfriend (the one he left you for), you look like crap because your eyes are puffy and your face is red and your gut is hanging over your pants because you've spent the last hour stuffing your face with chicken ticka masala at Bombay House attempting to console yourself for the public speaking mishap.

Miranda said...

I have to agree that the vomit feeling is near the top, but I think the worst possible feeling is the one you get right before you have to stand up in front of a bunch of people . For some reason the thought of having to string together words that form a sentence that could potentially be recognized as a human language is far too daunting a task when standing in front of people. Then on top of that the sentences have to, like, make sense. Even if I have a speech planned out and memorized, for some reason the second I hear my own voice over a microphone, I forget even my own name, begin to see spots, and feel as though I may begin to urinate uncontrollably. I always manage to make it through those moments without dying, but for some reason it doesn't ever get easier.

Sov said...

For guys, there's a terrible, terrible pain associated with a blow to the nether regions. If you rack yourself, it doesn't hurt so much where the initial point of impact is. That's a misconception. No, it starts as kind of an ache... almost a lump of pain, but it quickly moves up into your lower abdomen as an extremely nauseous feeling. When it gets to the pre-almost-vomit stage, THEN the sharp pain associated with the impact point kicks in and the whole thing becomes a symphony of tortuous agony. It lasts a couple of minutes, then you calm down and realize a cold sweat has broken on your forehead. You promise never to let that happen again.

I'm sure that was TMI, but the title is "Worst Feelings in the World." It qualifies.

The worst pain though? Broken heart. BY FAR.

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