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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Men's Fashion Trends That Simply Must Go

There are a lot of stupid male fashion trends going around these days. It's time to put a stop to some of the more heinous trends. So if you are a man who is guilty of any of the following, please, for the sake of ladies everywhere, put an end to your fashion atrocities!

1) Mohawks, Fauxhawks, Mullethawks, and any other kind of hawks

Let's face it, anything that gives your head the same shape as members of the Conehead family is not a good idea. Besides, this look is so emo, and emo is so not cool anymore, if it ever truly was.

2) Grizzly Man beards
The wild man thing was fun for a minute, but now it's time to learn to love your razor again. Or if you must wear a beard, let's keep the length short. If your beard hair is starting to curl, or if you can trim your mustache using your teeth, your beard is too long. (Yes, I used to know a bearded man who trimmed his mustache with his teeth. Dirty man.)

3) Pants, the butt of which falls below your butt
I don't know what magic keeps your pants in place below your butt without falling down. But it's evil magic, because it makes people have to see your boxers, tightie boxer briefs, or worse yet, your ass crack. (P.S. to guys, I have a little secret for you: women want to check out your butt, and they can't do that if your pants don't cover your butt, because then they are repulsed and have to look away. You don't want women to be repulsed and look away, do you? Then enough said, pull up your pants.)

Update: Apparently, this fashion trend is known as "sagging" to kids these days. Observe the following letter sent by a couple sixth graders to an advice column called Male Call:

We are two sixth-grade girls. We are wondering - why do boys sag? Their underwear is ugly, and no one finds pleasure in looking at it. For example, we have seen chartreuse and plaid boxers, boxers with money prints, basketballs, Sponge Bob and other unattractive items. Isn't it called underwear because it belongs UNDER their clothes?

I must say, I'm totally pleased that even young girls find this trend repulsive.

To read
Male Call's response, click here. They claim that this is something boys grow out of, but seeing as how on my lunch break yesterday I was walking behind a 20-something boy who was "sagging", I wouldn't count on the whole growing-out-of-it thing. This is the male half of the species we're talking about, after all.

4) Skinny jeans
Ok, we get that you don't have to deal with body fat the same way women do, but the Peter Pan look is really not a good one. Not even on your bony chicken legs.

5) Large Ear Gauges
I don't really get the desire to make the shape of your ears resemble that of Dopey and Dumbo, but it's become a rather unfortunate trend in recent years. I look forward to the hilarity that will ensue when this generation reaches the golden years. Everyone knows that men shrink when they get older, except for in the nose and ears, where they actually get bigger. It should be funny to see a bunch of men in their 80's with their earlobes all the way down to their shoulders.


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13 comments:

Sovknight said...

I think skinny jeans are coming back though... I saw displays in the mall the other week.

Where's Katie? She would know.

Sra said...

Yes, that's the point, all these trends are in right now, but they shouldn't be.

Here's the thing about skinny jeans: they look good on about .9% of the population. Even most skinny people shouldn't wear them. They are a bad idea.

Melliferous Pants said...

Fauxhawks make my face hurt.

Sovknight said...

Should I get some skinny pants Sra? I got a nice ass. I bet I'd look good in some skinny pants.

Sra said...

Yes Fauxhawks are quite possibly the worst hawks of all. It's the poser hawk -- someone who can't commit to just shaving the sides already.

If you get some skinny pants, Sov, I'm going to have to stop being your friend ;)

heidikins said...

Agreed! Particularly on the skinny pants... such a horrible look!

xox

PS. Nice to find you online! I love me a fellow blogger!

Sra said...

Hi Heidi! I didn't know you blogged as well, I'll add you to my RSS. Thanks for commenting!

Zac said...

If I weren't so incompetent about it when I first shaved my head, I'd have gone with a mohawk. The mohawk ain't emo, it's punk, man. Fauxhawk, yeah, THAT'S emo.

I don't know why the jeans-below-the-ass thing came in popular. According to rumor, it started in prison as a way of saying "please don't beat me up, I'll have sex for cigarettes."

Sra said...

Ok, I'll give you that mohawks are punk and fauxhawks are emo. But those two cultures have blended quite a bit in the 00's.

I like that interpretation about the pants below the ass, though. If that won't deter people from wearing their pants like that, I don't know what will!

Katie Peterson said...

I'm not going to try to defend skinny jeans, even though I wear them and I look damn sexy in them. I would like to add a no-no to the list. I don't think anyone, male or female, should be able to get tattoos before their mid to late 20s (probably mid for women and late for men). My current boyfriend has a Spider Man tattoo that he got when he was 18 and a mix between a cow, chicken and alien that he got when he was 19. Thanks a lot, adolescence!

Sra said...

I should have added that my restriction on skinny jeans is strictly for men: I don't think guys should ever wear them! And I think most women shouldn't wear them, even most skinny women. But I'll take your word for it that you look sexy in them. You probably do :)

Yes, there are an awful lot of stupid tattoos out there. I'm glad I'm not one of those people who ran out and got a Taz tattoo or a lame, cliche tribal tattoo in the 90's! Those people must feel like suckers now!

I think it's super important to think really carefully about whether you really want the tattoo you are thinking about getting. After all, like those lame song lyrics paraphrase, tattoos are forever.

I love my tattoo, and most other people have been positive about it as well. Some people don't like it, but there will always be dissenting opinions. But it's a classic design in an aesthetic location that I can either hide or show off, and the coloring isn't tacky. And it has personal significance for me. These are all things that make a good tattoo, methinks.

But as for your boyfriend's tatts: that's why god created laser removal.

Sra said...

Yes, that's the point, all these trends are in right now, but they shouldn't be.

Here's the thing about skinny jeans: they look good on about .9% of the population. Even most skinny people shouldn't wear them. They are a bad idea.

Sovknight said...

I think skinny jeans are coming back though... I saw displays in the mall the other week.

Where's Katie? She would know.

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